A Love-Hate Relationship
Why I just can't seem to quit social media
On a cold Saturday morning in January of 2022, I logged into Instagram and archived all of my posts: hundreds of micro essays I had poured my heart and soul into.
These posts had been a lifeline for me; they were the best way I had to share my experiences as a trans dad, longtime LGBTQ+ activist, and tender-hearted Millennial. They gave me an entry point into thousands of people’s lives… people I heard from daily in comments and DM’s, sharing the shifts they’d made as a result of my words. They also shared their questions, critiques, and challenges, and I learned from them just as they learned from me. These interactions helped me hone my perspectives, and they served as a much-needed balm after the year of hazing I’d experienced as a very public pregnant man.
Yes, I struggled with the pressure to post at the most “optimal” times, which never seemed to line up with when I actually had something compelling to say. And it was exhausting having to discern between questions that came from a place of genuine curiosity and those that were thinly veiled personal attacks. Still, I loved the small connections I built through social media. Many of them eventually became big connections, like the self-described “fan” who approached me at the food carts and is now a friend whose daughter is one of Leo’s favorite playmates.
But then the scales tipped in the other direction.
I was cancelled and doxxed by someone in my trans community. My family’s photos were stolen and used to set up a fake account in my name, along with posts saying that they were going to give sex changes to their/my children. I was hacked, and my account was held for ransom by Russians demanding bitcoins, and I couldn’t find anyone at Instagram to help me.
Even now, as my marriage is shifting and I find myself desperately wanting to change my username, which contains Biff’s name and not my own, the platform will not allow it.
And so I left. I divested from this universe that had been both healing and connective, and destructive to my sense of community, safety, and autonomy.
It’s been three years of healing. My canceller and his followers have long since moved on to their next targets. Instagram has supposedly set up new protections to prevent impersonation. Hacking links get flagged and removed more quickly now.
But am I ready to return?
The answer is… complicated.
Right now, I am engaging in social media by making short videos about trans fertility. I started doing this on a whim because I typically spend hours every week poring over studies and writing articles, translating medical findings into everyday language, but I don’t think anyone is reading them! I’m hoping video will be a more accessible format for disseminating the vital information that’s always emerging.
Here’s the first of these that I posted on TikTok:
Within minutes of hitting “publish,” I got this DM in response:
“Because of you I become brave enough to have my son 3 yrs ago with my husband.”
Oh no.
A supportive message??!!!
I knew right away that I was going to get sucked back into the world of social media. I mean, how could I not?
So you might see me a bit more frequently on some of the social platforms. I may keep it up, and I may not. I’m under no delusion that I’ve grown more inured to personal attacks; I know I haven’t. My profound rejection sensitivity is only slightly less pronounced now than it was in 2022, so I expect to experience the same trauma response when I inevitably come under fire for one thing or another.
But I’m hoping this return brings more joy, curiosity, and connection into the world (and my life) than pain, disappointment, and distress.
If you’d like to see what I’m up to, here’s where you can find me:
I’m posting original videos here: Trystan on TikTok.
Trans fertility-specific ones get cross-posted here: Trans Fertility Co. on Instagram.
And when I remember, the videos also go up on my personal Instagram, along with partner posts for collaborative projects: @biffandi on Instagram.
As always, I’ll keep posting here when I have something in my head that is too big for a video or that I feel you all will uniquely appreciate. I won’t promise a regular cadence; that just doesn’t work for my heart. Sometimes there will be two posts in a week, and sometimes you won’t hear from me for months.
One thing I have learned, through all of these ups and downs, is that I don’t owe my followers anything, nor do you owe me anything! All I can do with my platform is to share what I feel called to share, when I feel called to share it. I choose what comments to allow and which to hide, which to engage with and which to leave alone. And you choose when, how, and whether to follow me; when or if to engage in my work by commenting publicly or in a DM; and how or whether you will allow my work to spark a change in you.
For those of us who are both tender and public… these are hard lessons to learn. Thanks for being with me on the journey.
